It was back to work for me this past week and a lot had changed in a few months. We had moved to a larger space but had not increased our staff for this. Working there has become a nightmare, a hellhole. The picture of the Chinese building our railroads kept coming to mind and I felt very much like I could relate to them on some level.
When I got off my 12hour night shift on Monday a.m. I just could not even imagine facing the paddles, but even worse would be going to my hellhole to work with such discomfort already plaguing me.
I know I need the discipline more than anything else, however I also know I could not do so with the combination of such poor working conditions in place. I have already begun applying elsewhere and will continue to do so until I can find somewhere else to work under “normal” conditions.
Going to work each day is like facing torture for me at the moment so heaping on the spanking diet would be the same and lose it’s meaning very fast.
This diet is far too important to me for it to lose it’s meaning, and become something that MUST be done. If it becomes something that is done in this manner, I know it will lose all meaning, becoming something I just do like brushing my teeth. That is not and has not ever been the case. I don’t want it to become so.
So for all of you who were wondering what this Monday’s session was like for me, it didn’t happen. I have been in fact so exhausted from work this last week that I have slept pretty much the whole 48hours that I had off between shifts with just snippets of wakefulness such as this.
The good news was that being worked like a dog I lost 4.4 pounds in one week and had stayed totally on my diet, so I would have had maintenance only…..right only! Anyway B and I will try to find a solution so that we can continue and I in the meantime am looking for a different job…….no way I will stay where I am.
Back to the Journey
Tomorrow is another day……
And tomorrow we will get this diet back on track with a resumption of the maintenance, as well as addressing the issues which have led to G increasing her weight. It will be interesting to compare the periods of before the pause, during the pause and since last Monday when G resumed completing her day-timer in full on a daily basis.
I am quite certain that G will have a very red and sore bottom, I shall be posting the pictures to illustrate that. But that, the physical part of causing smarts on her skin is not just what this is about. It is reinforcing what we both know, that this is the way forward, this is the only way forward to have G lose weight. I don’t think either one of us really admits to the other how concerned we truly are. We talk about it of course but how do you measure concern?
So tomorrow I will resume my side of the physical part of the spanking diet by, in all likelihood, giving G a very sound thrashing; I am sure she will sob, she will cry, she will be in considerable pain. That by itself will mean nothing, (there is no enjoyment on either side no “thrill” as with an erotic spanking) unless the punishment is seen as part of an imposition of discipline. G has to adjust her habits, her behaviour, her mindset, as a result of the punishment. It is for me to ensure that the punishment is severe enough for that and to also help G as best I am able to have us get through this together, to get to the other side of the river.
The intermission is over.
Make The Right Choice!
When I stood on the scale this morning I didn’t feel very good about it. I am back to work finally, but that means shift work and I’m constantly going from day to night.
My eating patterns become extremely irregular, and I find that on the days I’m switching from days to nights or vice versa, I’m doubling up on meals. I did however try to bring healthy stuff to work with me and stick to eating just that.
Not easy however when you walk into the staff room and there is a very large cake, some donuts and apple fritters all laid out on the counter where you prepare your food.
Even worse, as I was leaving my shift, I go to get my lunch sac and there are two people making bacon and pancakes with all the trimmings. I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could, but the damage was done. I went home craving everything and anything I shouldn’t be eating.
Why does it all have to be so hard? Bad enough just to receive the twelve strokes with the two paddles, never mind if I “fall off the wagon” and eat something I shouldn’t!
Yes I am definitely not looking forward to Monday…..maintenance is so horrible…..but I know I can’t succeed without it. (in the two weeks that I broke off from the spanking diet I gained back 2.6 pounds). Not good.
B and I haven’t discussed if there will be the twelve stroke punishment for this…….what do you all think? Should I still be punished, or do B and I look at this Monday as a new beginning?
Back To The Diet
Yes, I’ve been away from the diet for only two weeks and I’ve gained 3.5 pounds……not good and proof more than positive that without this I will sink even further into obesity of an even more gross nature. B will be coming next Monday to check in with me after my weigh-in and I will have to show once again that I can with support stick to this.
During my two-week “break” I had managed to fall back into all of my old destructive eating habits but one. I did not have a diet coke. It would appear that this was the easiest one to stay away from and the one that seems to have stuck with me. As for the rest? Well as you can see from the weight gain….I enjoyed many things that I shouldn’t have.
So now it is up to me to ensure that I stick to my part of the “bargain” – aka: diet, or else. And well do I know what “or else” feels like…….
I like analogies. And the picture accompanying this post shows how I view the way forward with this diet. We have to get to the other side of the river. We must make this diet succeed. I have gone over the alternatives with G again and again. Should we stay where we are loss of health, lack of vibrancy, lowering (if not obliteration) of self-esteem will be the result. There will be many losses.
The bridge doesn’t look solid, what’s on the other side may be uncertain. To get across will be difficult and definitely an unsteady and wobbly process, certainly not speedy! But the way is clear. The steps to take are obvious, though difficult, to keep balance won’t be easy, but there is very firm support.
No doubt there are risks, it probably will not be a pleasant trip. But the sense of achievement, the satisfaction of having completed such a patently difficult journey will be immense. That, combined with now being able to leave behind the horrors that are creeping up, as well as moving forward to a far pleasanter place is reason enough to step out and not turn back.
I am quite sure I have stretched the analogy as tight as those cables!
I shall be seeing G on Monday. My intention is to have her resume what she asked to begin. We already know that without maintenance, without punishment, with no discipline, the diet will fail. I reviewed G’s day timer with her yesterday. It was not as bad as I had feared. However it is clear that the seeds of disaster are being sown. If we do not get G back to following discipline I do not exaggerate when I say the consequences will be disastrous.
This is not a bridge too far it is a bridge that must be crossed and the only way for G to cross it is with the spanking diet.
A Bridge Too Far?
I am not sure what happened or why I went away. I do know that it has been crazy and I do mean truly crazy in and around my life lately. No Excuse though. I did what I always do and hid away to eat my way into what I think of as oblivion.
The diet must start again, and it must not be interrupted. I have been on my own with it for almost two weeks and I am failing miserably. What I gained I see slipping away at an increasing rate. What I knew to be a last-ditch effort to gain control of my weight, has indeed been shown to be the only way for me.
What would make it a complete success for me would be to have B here 24/7, but that is not going to happen. There is a huge problem for me. I frequently get attacks of decency and hate myself for being what I am and doing what I am doing with B. Even though there is no intimacy it is still not right for me.
I don’t know if I can go back to being punished by B, but I thought it unfair not to let people know what is going on. So there you have it.
I know it’s been few days since I last posted, and no I haven’t quit, though I did “fall off the wagon” a few times. I let myself slip back to comforting my stress with food.
A: I just kept eating out all the time, and
B: I used sweets and salts to soothe me
I am still waiting for the outcome from some of the stress, which some of you may understand while others will roll their eyes and think me a bit crazy. My little pooch became very ill on Saturday and by Sunday A.M. Needed to be hospitalized on IV. He is still there and just as ill. I am worried to death as there may not be a good prognosis which the vet has already informed me of. If this is the case I will be devastated.
So far, I have been holding out considerably well in comparison to what I would have done in the past before my spanking diet…..though still not at 100%, where I should be. My brain, when I am thinking rationally tells me that eating junk isn’t going to help or change a thing, but I don’t think that way for the most part during crisis. I am however trying to do my best through it all.
Isn’t it funny how irrationally we can defend our reasons NOT to eat properly? Even sitting here writing this it seems ridiculous, yet I know the battle looms larger than life……I just hope I win.